The Shadow Draws Near

This past month I have been pushing aside the unwanted task of preparing for our trip. Well, we are pretty much packed with all our necessities, but the part I am talking of is the preparation for Abby. When you leave your child behind there is so much that has to be done! Really you ask, well yeah because lets face, it I am not just dropping my "sound" child off at a relatives for the weekend and only need to pack a suit case and worry if I packed enough underpants.

I am preparing (physically, mentally and emotionally) to LEAVE my disabled child which requires...

1. One power of medical attorney, drawn up, signed and notarized, Oh and finding those that we trust to take on this roll
Many alterations to our will
2. Alerting "all" doctors of our leave of absence and notifying them of who is in charge
3. Putting a plan in place for daily cares
4. Requesting help from people I trust and that trust they are comfortable enough to watch her
5. A training session to train those who are gracious to be available to watch her
6. Requesting back-ups and back-ups to those back-up just in case something does not go as planned
7. Preparing multiple spreadsheets which detail bathing, sleeping, moods, feeds, medications, equipment, emergency plans, etc!
8. Making sure I am well stocked, food, medicine, toiletries, g-tube stuff, supplies and clothes
9. Not to mention consistently worrying if I am forgetting something!

Then there is the emotional sting that seems to rear it's ugly head when I put her to bed or am just holding her. I DO trust that God is in control and He will indeed take care of her, but what if this is one of the last times I get to hold her, what else can I sing or read to her so she does not forget my voice... Thinking of her crying and me not being able to console her just rips me into another world! Oh I could go on and on with all this and my heart does at night when I can't sleep.

I know it will all be o.k., but I am having a hard time finding joy in wanting to leave on this once in a life time vacation and not wanting to leave Abby. Its not like if something goes wrong I can just hop on a plane and be there for her in a few hours... I will be out of the country!!!!!

Oh we are so blessed to have this opportunity to go, but as a mother, my heart is torn.... Everyday that ticker moves to one day closer and the adrenalin shoots down my legs and permeates my chest.

Sorry to bla, bla, bla in this post... I just had to let it out, out there in blogger world where my words are heard and understood.