Frustration & A Break Down

Posted by: Tamara

Yesterday was a good day. We had Abigail's training, with all the wonderful people that volunteered to watch her while we are away. The group broke up into 3 groups and they rotated from one station to the next absorbing all the "How To's" on Abby's. We had a beautiful lunch together prepared by two very sweet friends, the fellowship was great and then after everyone left....

I realized that I had left out some critical information about Abby's seizures, like what they look like, how often she has em and what to do and if she has them longer than 5 min. Diastat needs to be administered and how this is done and when to call the doctor and when to call the paramedics and what hospital to go to and where it is and don't forget the diaper bag with her seizure meds, food, bags and pump and insurance cards located here, bla, bla, bla!!!!!

HOW COULD I FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!

Oh I think I am loosing it with all that has to be done to prepare for this. I was up until midnight trying to fix my massive error type up a new sheet and get it pasted all over the house as an F.Y.I. and thinking and re-thinking of what else I've forgotten!

My nurse yesterday said, "Ya know Tamara... I think God is going to use all this preparing and organization in your life one day." What, no, no I said, "I have been preparing and organizing all my life for this very moment!" Don't get me wrong I love to plan and organize and be organized, but this tops it all!

I finally broke down last night, for the 1st time I ALLOWED myself to let it all out and FEEL the reality that I am leaving my baby girl behind. I know its good, and will be o.k., but as a momma of a disabled child there is a deeper depth that gets ripped to the core! I am so thankful that our good friends will be here to send us off and be with Abbs that first night. I am going to be an absolute mess and I will be o.k. crying with them near.

So look... I can't even talk about it without these blasted tears errupting!!!!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 08, 2009 . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .

6 COMMENTS

First, I just have to say that I love that picture! Is that one that you took? Too precious!

I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be. There is a lot to cover (that's an understatement, huh?) But you are a great momma and you will make sure everything is taken care of. I know you already know this, but leave in God's Hands and everything will be fine. Sounds like you have a great team set up.

I am excited for you and your trip! I am praying for you!

I really feel for you! I can totally sense the feelings that you are having and I totally get the feelings you have when you have a child with special needs! You feel like you are the ONLY one who understands them and that can take care of them good enough. I understand!

But, you have planned SO WELL for this and I KNOW that she will be fine! God will take care of you and your sweet girl! Take a deep breath and say a prayer and know that you will all get through this by the grace of God!

I really think that preparing for this trip and actually leaving her will be the hardest part! Once you get there and once you are gone for a day or so, you will be able to breathe deeper and enjoy yourself! I'll be praying!!! HUGS!

You have planned and planned and planned! I truly believe Miss thang and her troops around her will do just fine! I am extremely excited for you to take this trip too!
Good luck and prayers are coming in all directions!
~Elyse

Its a LOT, and its SCARY! Im so sorry. You will have a great time, even between all the phone calls you make to check on your girl.
Im so sorry I missed you Tamara, it was all I could do to be there.

Oh, Sweetie...I can not imagine the overwhelming feelings you are having and I am sure guilt also...Be brave and strong and know that we are ALL praying for you! Rest in HIS Grace and Peace...oxoxo Shi~

Tamara, i am so sorry that this is happening. You are just so exhausted and sad to be leaving her. You need time away and I am trying to follow in your footstep and plan more time away from Annabel. Praying and showering your baby with prayers. Be safe and know that you have done all you can to take care of her while you are away. You are an incredible mommy to Abby and you need this time away with your family. Love you dear friend.

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Abigail's Life Story

Abigail was my 3rd pregnancy... All was completely perfect no complaints. A few months later a test revealed a 50% chance of down syndrome. We were given the option to terminate which was not an option for us.  March 8, 2005 Abigail Grace was introduced to our family weighing in at 8lbs and 12.4oz.  Little did we know as she was placed in my arms our lives would change forever!  Labeled "severely disabled" with an undiagnosed is how God choose to begin His work in our hearts and leave His finger print in our lives.  Her "labels" included multiple anomalies, dysmorphic features, mid palatal cleft, dysplastic heart valves, hypatomia, a coloboma in her right optic nerve, duplex kidney, retognathia, failure to thrive & sever developmental delays.  April 2005: She had an emergency surgery for G-Tube & Nissen Fundolopication.  Afterwards she developed pneumatosis, NEC and had a PIC line put in place. After genitics and endcronologists testing we were told she was blind in her right eye due to the coloboma. The Genetics department could not give us any answers....  May 2005: Her blood sugars levels dropped to a dangerous low of 43 and found she had dumping syndrome. She was rushed from one hospital to another where she had to be recessitated after a massive seizure.  A MRI revealed a bi-lateral CVA stroke with greater effect to her left side which left her paralyzed and fighting for her life.  September 2005: She was diagnosed with West Syndrome (infantile seizure disorder) which results in epilepsy at the age of two.   December 2006: We found Dr. Orrin Devinsky and flew to NY for an EEG which revealed her brain was in mass confusion. He administered Sabril and on 12/07/06 Abigail's had her last seizure.  April 2007: We repaired her mid-palatal cleft which created major breathing complications and she was sent to the PICU one again.  July 2007:  We flew to NY again for another EEG which revealed that Abigail's brain was now 90% functioning right.  She had some spiking in the right frontal lobe but Sabril continued to keep seizure activity under control.  January 2008: Abigail was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and moderate hip dysphasia.  To date Her seizures have returned, the Sabril is no longer working.  May 2008: Flew to NY again for another EEG which revealed that Abigail brain is constantly being irritated in the right front lobe and that we should consider surgery to remove this diseased area causing the spiking and seizing.  PHEW.......  And yes God is still on His throne, He is still in control, Abigail's life is in His hands and we love and trust Him even more now than we did before we took one step on this journey He designed just for us!

THIS SONG HAS BECOME MY HEARTS CRY!

ABIGAILS FOUR YEARS