June 22, 2009

The Shadow Draws Near

This past month I have been pushing aside the unwanted task of preparing for our trip. Well, we are pretty much packed with all our necessities, but the part I am talking of is the preparation for Abby. When you leave your child behind there is so much that has to be done! Really you ask, well yeah because lets face, it I am not just dropping my "sound" child off at a relatives for the weekend and only need to pack a suit case and worry if I packed enough underpants.

I am preparing (physically, mentally and emotionally) to LEAVE my disabled child which requires...

1. One power of medical attorney, drawn up, signed and notarized, Oh and finding those that we trust to take on this roll
Many alterations to our will
2. Alerting "all" doctors of our leave of absence and notifying them of who is in charge
3. Putting a plan in place for daily cares
4. Requesting help from people I trust and that trust they are comfortable enough to watch her
5. A training session to train those who are gracious to be available to watch her
6. Requesting back-ups and back-ups to those back-up just in case something does not go as planned
7. Preparing multiple spreadsheets which detail bathing, sleeping, moods, feeds, medications, equipment, emergency plans, etc!
8. Making sure I am well stocked, food, medicine, toiletries, g-tube stuff, supplies and clothes
9. Not to mention consistently worrying if I am forgetting something!

Then there is the emotional sting that seems to rear it's ugly head when I put her to bed or am just holding her. I DO trust that God is in control and He will indeed take care of her, but what if this is one of the last times I get to hold her, what else can I sing or read to her so she does not forget my voice... Thinking of her crying and me not being able to console her just rips me into another world! Oh I could go on and on with all this and my heart does at night when I can't sleep.

I know it will all be o.k., but I am having a hard time finding joy in wanting to leave on this once in a life time vacation and not wanting to leave Abby. Its not like if something goes wrong I can just hop on a plane and be there for her in a few hours... I will be out of the country!!!!!

Oh we are so blessed to have this opportunity to go, but as a mother, my heart is torn.... Everyday that ticker moves to one day closer and the adrenalin shoots down my legs and permeates my chest.

Sorry to bla, bla, bla in this post... I just had to let it out, out there in blogger world where my words are heard and understood.


  1. I hear you and totally understand! I haven't even left Gavin for more than about 3 hours with anyone besides my husband, because I'm fearful that they wouldn't know what to do and explaining everything just takes too long, and also fearful that they wouldn't be able to deal with things that happen daily with Gavin, that to us are so normal and not frightening, but to others, may scare them into taking him to the hospital, like his gagging and clonus episodes. I totally feel for you!

    It sounds like you have prepared beyond belief though! If I ever do leave Gavin for a longer amount of time, I'm calling you for a step by step guide on what to do before I leave! You sound like you are very organized and have done all that you can do to prepare for your absense!

    No matter what you do, I'm sure that preparing your heart will never be accomplished! Just rest in the fact that you have done all that you can do and that God is in control! I bet the first day will be difficult, but the longer that you are gone, you will begin to relax and enjoy yourself more.

    This trip will be AMAZING for you and your family and you definitely deserve it! I can't wait to see pictures and hear about all that you did! HUGS!!!

  2. I can't imagine all that you are feeling. I know how difficult it has been for us to just go out ot dinner once in a blue moon because the only people we trust are family and even at that only the family members who have been around and seen how we deal with Isabelle day to day.

    I am certain however that we have a loving Lord that will not only take care of Abby while you are gone, but will just as importantly take care of you both physically and emotionally.

    Jeff and I had talked quite a few times when I first heard about your trip how I wished that I could come and be that someone to watch over her while you were gone. I know I don't know her and all her ins and outs, but I would have loved to come and help you. I wish we weren't so far away.

    Rest easy my good friend. I pray that God will give you the comfort you need to enjoy this well deserved trip.

  3. Hey honey-- i'm so happy for you and for this opportunity to travel abroad. You're going to have a wonderful time!!
    Can't wait to hear about it..

  4. Rome will be beautiful. I'm jealous of your opportunity but completely understand your apprehension. I hope you can find some time to relax and, as you said, trust God to take care of Abby.


  5. I'm not a Mom but I can totally understand the conflict going on inside of you between this trip and leaving your precious daughter. Praying God's peace over you!


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