October 30, 2009

Just Stuff & Heartache

Hey Jen... this one is just for you because I know how much you miss the snow!!!! Taken this morning from our backyard.

Sweet Little Girl! The last shot I took of her in the hospital.

An emotional request... your thoughts are wanted...

I know you all don't know the medical part of brain surgery... but from a mommas point of view... what would you do? The doc just informed me that with every seizure it could kill her (never was informed of this before!), and with surgery there are many high risks... I know praying about it is 1st and foremost... but God does not always "verbally" tell us what to do....

Where would your heart go?

My mind goes blank, then my heart feels crushed... I love Abby the way she is... with surgery there is a huge possibility she will loose a big part of what she is and it may never come back... I am talking her little sweet spirit, giggling, having the ability to move her left arm and leg.... Oh I detest the "what-if's"... I told a friend that I am sick of "majoring in the majors" I don't want to major and longer... I would take the minors any day! Why does everything have to be so difficult with these precious little ones! Facing surgery, I have to embrace a high possibility of death... am I ready for that, can anyone be ready for that, do I want to venture out in those un-charted waters? Is God calling me there?

I don't like this constant sting in my heart I want it to go away! This black heaviness that bears down on my heart... I have re-arranged another room and moved Abby down to the basement... LOTS of work... Making excuses that it will be easier to have her all in one spot... organize, organize... stay busy... keep busy so I don't have to think about it... How long do I put it off, how long can I stay "busy" to avoid just talking about it?

Oh how I long for eternity where everything is perfect, no more tears, just basking in our Fathers glory.... No decisions to make, no sleepless nights tossing and turning waking up with a soar jaw from gritting teeth all night long...

Trust in God, Trust in God... bla, bla, bla...! I know all that... that is all fine and dandy when life is good! Doing "that" in the midst of a firey hell is another story!

Sorry to be so brash, but this is reality... this is the walk and cry of a child of God who has just been lead to a deep dark valley and is about to enter in. God has lead us here once before with Doc. Devinski and we have walked away and now we have been lead there again with Doc Laperskote.

O.k. I can't think about this anymore... hurts too much...


  1. My heart hurts thinking of the emotions that you are going through! This life can be so hard!

    I wish that I could just say, "I would do this"...but I have no idea what I would do, if it were one of my children. This is a huge decision to make!

    I also wish that I had some great words of wisdom or scripture to share with you to take away the anxiousness that you are feeling...but the pain, confusion and responsibility that you have sometimes cannot be erased by words alone.

    This job as a mother to a special needs child, or as a mother in general, would sure be easier if we didn't have so many emotions and so much love running through our minds all the time as well!

    I'll be praying for you! This I can do! I pray that God eases your mind and makes your decision an easier one. I pray that He gives you peace, strength and grace as you process your decision. Hugs sweet friend!!!

    "Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at my tribulations for you, which is your glory." Ephesians 3:13

  2. You are to funny....thank you for the picture!!! I have to confess....it is more beautiful than my thick ugly dark orange/brown smog...that I get to look at each day. Of course...you know Tom has not stopped chasing the storms just because he is in CA....he reported your snow totals to me about every hour!! hehe....

    Oh Tamara.....the lump in my throat is always so thick when I hear of the valleys and mountains you have to climb. I am speechless....when you wrote the other day about her seizures and the possibility of her dying....it just brought tears to my eyes. I am not sure what I would do....sooo hard. I know you do not want anything to change with your sweet little girl....but I know you want her seizures to stop and for her to be OK....I will continue to pray for you. I will be praying that God opens the doors and is clear to you on the direction you should go....these are the times you just want Him to speak out loud so you can hear His voice!! Maybe it will be as clear as the little yellow bug!!!! :D Love you sweet friend....and thank you again for the picture....you know we will probably be throwing snowballs at each other by next year!! ;) HUGS ~ Jen

  3. Tamara~
    I am so sorry you have to be faced with such a hard decision. I'm not sure anyone can give you the right advice or the I woulds except you and your husband. I do know that whatever decision you make it will be the right one. It will be the choice that will be best for Abby. And as much as you do not probably want to hear this right now God already knows what decision you are going to make.

    One of the hardest parts I have found as a special needs mommy is that we often have to put our own feelings aside to do what is best for our little ones and that is hard because they cannot fully communiate to us how they are feeling or what is going on. Abby knows you love her and she knows you will only makes decisions that are with the best intentions.

    I will continue to pray that God will lead you in the right direction during this most difficult time.

  4. Sweet Tam-
    I'm so sorry you are having to make such life changing decisions. I know how scared you are.

    You know I'm a nurse right? You can always contact me about anything, okay?
    Now that being said, I think she needs the surgery. Everything has risks, some more than others. But we have to give abby every chance she deserves.
    I can't tell you what to do. You have to make that choice yourself. But I'm here behind you. every step.

  5. Tam,

    I am so so so so so sorry you are walking this path right now. My heart agonizes for you and this decision you are being forced to make. I too wish I had an easy answer for you.

    You are a truly heart-driven and dedicated Mama who has only the best for Sweet Abby in mind. God will not lead you astray. He is preparing your heart for whatever decision you make. Rest in the knowledge He has already planned this out an eternity ago (easier said than done, I know).

    I am sorry sweet Mama, I wish I had something better to say. I am praying so hard for you and Abby.

  6. I will write more tomorrow. Crushed with all this you much endure and go through./ I will pray for your decision and your wisdom. Can't imagine??

  7. Ugh Tamara,

    I'm so keeping your family in my prayers. I love little Abby! And the pictures of her, her eyes show such a sweet personality. I love her smiles. But as we have been studying, God is a GOOD God and we must trust in Him. Believe me, I struggle when I see little ones hurting and my friends and family hurting, but all I can do is pray that God can draw us close and bring peace and wisdom. Let me know if you need anything, food etc. as you are starting your classes.

    with love,

  8. My heart breaks for you and your family being put in this most difficult position. You have been such a blessing to our family. We truly admire your strong faith, love and open heart in your most personal and trying times. God is sovereign over all, the good and the bad, which is so hard for a simpleton like me to grasp. I keep myself in the rut of the struggle with "why" rather than to lean on the Lord with asking "what can I do to glorify You, Lord?"

    Tamara, we will be on our knees as a family to pray for you, for Abby for your entire family. You have been a blessing to us as it was a breath of fresh air to meet and talk with you. It felt like a solid connection of understanding - something we have never had so far in our journey with Zachary. God bless you and Abby!


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